You know how we all absolutely hate to go to inservice days? Because we know (with every fiber of our being) that we're going to be bored off our verrrrry (numb) ass?

Wouldn't you know that today I actually found myself in an inservice that was entertaining, informative, and ENJOYABLE!


The irony?

I only got to hear half of it.

You'll never guess what I was doing.

Yup. Getting people's computers to work.

I'm extra-effing-tired of doing Computerdude's job. But I have learned a valuable lesson from him. I call it:

How To Outsource Your Job Without Sacrificing the Paycheck
1. Be incompetent. Bungle each and every work order so thoroughly that it takes 4 times longer that the standard snail's pace that people expect when dealing with technical support.

2. Appear to be incompetent. If someone asks you a question, leave huge gaps in between the end of their question and the beginning of your "non-answer". That will give them time to run the "Damn, it would have taken me less time to research this problem on the web, get my IT-certification, fix the problem myself, and convince 9th grade boys that learning how to square-dance is a vital lifeskill." script in their head.

3. Punch their buttons. Figure out what realllllllly makes people see red. Let's say there's an English teacher who you know is very anal about the instructions she sends out. Her instructions are always in logical/sequential order, and are free of grammar and spelling errors. In order to get her good and stirred up, you should send out emails that are not only ridiculously obscure and confusing....but also have zero chance of making it through spell/grammar check in under 20 minutes.

4. Give a merry chase. Start the week off by insisting people put in help requests on the computer. (Those would be the computers they can't log onto because you haven't put the network interface on them yet!) When you finally receive those emails with the help requests, don't read them. Don't even open them. (You know the "history" button will log the exact minute that you read that email. Don't give them the satisfaction.)
On Tuesday, tell folks that they should "let you know" if they're having problems.
Wednesday, send an email that says, "You have to catch me in my office so I can change it right then."
Thursday, be in your office sometimes....but spend the time you're in there interrogating the people that come by for help as to whether or not they tried the given process on multiple computers. (Knowing that this is nigh to impossible, considering only every 5th computer has any chance of working.)

5. Exploit the fact that people feel intimidated around computers. Make sure to use enough technical jargon and condescension to make people feel like the village idiot. That, with the gaps, will make them want to run far far away.

To truly maximize the probability that others will do your job for you...while you get to sit in your office and do NOTHING....take equal helpings of all 5 strategies and rotate through them at will.

This will ensure that the anal-retentive English teacher:
*writes all of the training documents (using screenshots) for the faculty
*learns to do tasks that would earn her Big Bucks in the corporate IT world (that are SO not in her job description)
*takes care of your job for you....while you still get paid for it.

Granted, you may have to listen to her bitch every now and then, and she may even get your supervisor breathing down your neck. But hey. You're still way better off than she is....and what's even better? You've made spot-on sure that your computer you'll be able to use alllllllll your free time to surf the web.

Apparently I went to my own Seminar today.

I wonder if I can get any CEUs.