This started out as a reply to the comments left by misswhack, Trixie, and AT. As is standard with me...my reply turned into a dissertation. So I'm going to post it here...rather than in the comment box...
Thanks for the support -- it helps more than you know. :)
I want to believe that he'll come around...that this is only a brief burst of adolescent male/machismo-inspired insanity. (and yes, the laughter DID help, AT! ha!)
I think when the fog clears from whatever drama is going on...he'll realize that I'm still in his corner, waiting for him to quit being stupid. I hope so, anyway. I hope he doesn't get it into his head that my silence means I've abandoned him permanently. I would like to think he knows that my support isn't conditional...that I'm not like his mom who holds stuff she does for him over his head -- in an attempt to control and manipulate. That I don't regret anything I've done for him...and he has nothing to feel obligated about.
Of course, I would LIKE for him to reciprocate by showing some basic appreciation -->
showing = exhibiting that he values me by answering/returning calls, keeping me posted on his life, etc.
But the catch-22 is this: if I tell him that...it's probably going to sound like "Look at all I've done for you. You owe me." Which puts me back to square one. Ya know?
I keep reminding myself that:
*If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you...it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be." (cheesy, but apt, in that mama-needs-to-kick-the-baby-bird-outta-the-nest kind of way.)
*I was not 'purchasing' immediate results with my efforts over the past year. I have been 'investing' in his future. Therefore, I may not see the endresult immediately...rather, it may be years down the road before the investment is readily apparent. And...I may not ever see it. I may have lost contact with him...and never know the extent of the impact I've had on him. I just have to trust that I did the best I could in the time I had with him, and that was all I could do. And that it was enough.
Considering all that...I'm going to insert the letter I wrote to him here. I'm still deciding whether or not to give it to him...I don't want it to come across as a guilt trip to him, or add to whatever emotional burden he's carrying, but I want him to know how I feel and especially that I'm still here. Read it, please, and let me know what you think...and if you think I should send it?
Crazybrother said he told you to come tell me about getting sworn in and you said you didn't feel like it.
That hurts more than I can tell you. But it also tells me that I do need to butt out. You're obviously dealing with something that you aren't willing to tell me about, and I can't help you until you do.
So I'm going to give you the space you are clearly asking for. You'll be able to take care of stuff without my adding pressure. Last week, you said you weren't intentionally avoiding me. When I asked Crazybrother about you -- he said I should ask you....but that you probably wouldn't answer my call. That hurt to hear -- but it confirmed what I knew in my heart.
If you need to talk, or anything at all -- you know all you have to do is ask. I will always be here to help. You are one of the few kids I would adopt if given the chance.
Coach said he'd send me the schedule. It's up to you if you want me to be there. If you do, just say the word. I'm there. If not that's okay - but know that I'm there in spirt.
It's going to be hard for me to sit back and wait -- but I want you to have the space you need. You are an amazing person & I hope I've had half the impact on you that you've had on me.
:) Ms. H